I’m getting complacent and depressed without marijuana

Cigarettes are starting to wear on me and I know I am fully addicted

Ffxi is just something to avoid my actual life to escape 

I’m tired of my job I work for like an hour then hide for 30 mins all throughout the work day

Food and pooping used to keep me happy but now all I see is wasted money

Can’t stop eating want to save money end up spending all the money I have and still need to keep eating

I want to eat cheaper and lower quality food to save money but I enjoy good food which ofc is super expensive but what’s the point just a few hours after I eat I’m going to need to again

Why I can justify spending $13 instead of $11 or $9 to stay full longer

I’m tired of my money getting shorted this month ssi didn’t read my check stubs said I made 1,100 when I made 800 so my check is over 200 lower than it should be

I can’t stand waiting in the social security office for hours but I’ll have to do it after Christmas 

I’m ready to get my fees paid

I feel like the thca websites are going to shut down before I get money to buy what I want

Everything is going to shit basically 

I budgeted and worked all month

And I’m not even going to have $20 to show for it until ssi fixes the check

At least I get another check before my fees due date so I can make my payments

I was down to $100 it was all I had

I saved it for almost 2 weeks

Then I spent it all in like 4 days

Now I’m down to like $10

But I’m getting my ssi tomorrow and I have a paycheck but all that goes to rent and bills

I have to until the 8th to actually get the money for the fees that I have to pay before the 10th

It has been 9 months since I have smoked but it’s been about 5 years since I’ve smoked good due to money issues 

And when I finally got more money than I know what to do with I’m on probation paying fees and even then can’t smoke because probation 

Had the Christmas party up at work today and a employee made tequila fruit salad everyone was raving about how good it was and I couldn’t even try it

That was the first time I actually felt in trouble lol

I’m so ready to smoke

Now I’m getting paranoid about smoking because it’s going to smell up my entire apartment and I don’t want to get raided

I had a friend that sold so he had several ounces in his apartment someone broke in another apartment called the cops

The cops went and looked through the apartment found his weed and he got charged

I’m going to smoke 100% but I want to smoke big but I don’t want to get in more trouble where I can’t smoke AGAIN

The past few years without bud has been so grueling and annoying and dull and sad

It’s January I have 12 months until December then I have January and February so 14 months to go

In January it’ll be 13 months to go

In February 12 months to go

April makes a year on probation and 11 months to go

Can’t wait to get to April to say I have less than a year to go

Just realizing throughout the entire process I have to let go and be out of control like chaotic

All the systems I built relied on smoking

And now I’m smoking cigarettes and I have to let go and not do anything I want to do

I don’t want to smoke cigarettes but I have panic attacks without them

It feels like im doing so little basically nothing and I have nothing and I’ve worked so long and still nothing and my heart starts beating heavy and I can’t breathe that’s usually when I would hit the bowl then get a violation on my probation then try to find a way to smoke on probation which happened so many times I got revoked

So I know for a fact I have to smoke cigarettes 

So weird they have no other solution 

Can’t smoke weed because probation 

Have panic attacks and they have no remedy

But smoking cigarettes work

Cigarettes super deadly

There just flat out like telling you to stop smoking weed and smoke cigarettes oh and work 120+

Hours for free and pay a huge amount in fees but you have to smoke cigarettes not weed

And that upset me for so long

Now I let go and know that’s really how it is but you just gotta get it done and over

Then you can stop smoking cigarettes 

And pray to god that weed can reverse any damage the cigarettes did while you were on probation 

So cruel and unusual 

So I got in a fight I got physical first

Now I’m playing with cancer because no one has a better solution 

It just doesn’t add up

It’s weird

Anyways I’m going to do some stuff around the house

I’ll probably post again later