That was rough.

My dad.

Well I got the rest of my rent money.

but I don't think I'm going to ask my dad anymore.

My dad has always called me the smartest out of my brothers and sister

now he just look at me like i'm a failure and a loser.

Where do I even begin

over the past few month i've been gaining weight I'm the heaviest i've ever been

Everyone calls me fat and makes fun of me.

My dad said I was the smartest the best at computers when he taught me chess I learned so fast when he took me to the oil rig I caught on so fast

when I was growing up we had a 2 story house then moved to another little smaller house and now I live in a one room apartment he says people go up not down

He doesn't think any job I've had before counted because my mom also worked at them

He wants me to get a job and I tell him it'll mess with my ssi

well first of all he doesn't want me on ssi and he doesn't want me getting my injection

He's never approved of me being on ssi or my injection

and while I've always liked the money from ssi at first I didn't like the injection either

but I'm alright with the injection now if it keeps my ssi going

He says my mom ruined me

and she is the reason which she is I got in trouble the first time

he says I shouldn't be on probation because I don't do anything I don't go anywhere with anyone or meet any new people

and that is true

He wants me to get a job and I told him it will mess with my ssi well he doesn't want me on ssi to begin with

but when he started crying about if I don't change i'm going to be homless it hurt me

I can't get a job while i'm waiting for my ssi to go up but he won't acknowledge that

he doesn't want me to live at my apartment he wants me to get on HUD housing and get one of those places

basically everything I have done in the past 20 years is wrong in my dads eyes

He wants me to go to work with him well he wanted I doubt he even wants me to now that i've gained so much weight and done so poorly in life

He didn't even mention him wanting me to have a kid this time around

let's see

disapproves of ssi

discredits all the jobs i've had  I worked at the hotel since like 2017, 9 years working there

he doesn't approve of my apartment

he think ssi will just work perfect when I get a job and it won't and I can't get a job until ssi goes up

he think i've just gone down my entire life 

he gets dishearten when he thinks about how smart I was and think i'm a loser and a failure now

he thinks i'm going to be homeless if I don't change and I very well could be if ssi doesn't go up

he gets angry at the thought of me being on probation

he only gave me the money this time because he doesnt want me to be homeless on the streets like all those people

if ssi doesn't go up this month I AM FUCKED F U C K E D

if ssi goes up everything is perfect and rainbow skies Life is made

it would kill my dad if I said

I just want to get my full ssi check

and I'm happy living at my apartment for the rest of my life

I think the thought alone would literally kill my dad

graveyard dead